RaiseTheFloor

When people look at a coach they think of sport specific training, they think wins, losses and what happens at competition. When they look at a coach, they don’t see the countless hours in practice, on buses, or conversations that happen outside the confines of the arena. Most people don’t understand what a Coach’s job actually is, or just how much a coach’s job encompasses. 

As a coach, I take my job seriously, I believe coaching is a service industry and we are in service to the young people we coach. Winning is not the priority, servicing young people is.  Winning matters, but helping young people develop is the primary service.  That service might be emotional regulation, that service might be building confidence, that service might be academic help, but beyond the wrestling technique my job is to provide a service to the young people who come into our room.  

Two of the biggest services we must provide are accountability and forgiveness. These two services must go together, in alignment of our standards.  

Young people will do things that disappoint us. Young people are going to miss practice, break rules, make selfish decisions, react emotionally, and sometimes become someone we do not recognize in a difficult moment. One you have coached long enough, you will eventually be hurt, embarrassed, or frustrated by an athlete you have invested in, that comes with the job, remember this is a service industry. The same way a waiter or waitress has customers who will frustrate them, we will have athletes that frustrate us. 

In those moments, a coach has a choice. We can make sure the athlete never forgets what they did, or we can help them become more than what they did.  No one is defined by what they do in their worst moments, so we must use those moments as an opportunity to help the young people we serve grow. 

Accountability matters. Standards matter.  I have said for years, and will continue to say, “The Standard is more important than any one person.”  Good and bad consequences matter, but nothing should cause us to give up on a kid. A coach’s job is not to punish mistakes. A coach’s job is to help young people understand the mistake, repair what they can, and move forward as close to guilt free as possible.  

That requires forgiveness, not forgiveness that excuses behavior, but forgiveness that creates a path forward.  Forgiveness that doesn’t harbor negative feelings, but forgiveness that creates guidance forward.  

Some young people will quit. They may decide the commitment is too much, or believe the grass is greener somewhere else.  Our athletes who leave might say things on the way out that hurt the people who invested in them. Then, weeks or months later, or even a year later  they may realize they made a mistake and ask to come back.

When an athlete wants to come back it is a coach’s job not to make them crawl back on their hands and knees, it is our job to walk side by side with them and make sure they feel they are welcomed back with open arms. 

That does not mean pretending nothing happened, the past does not disappear, it is still very much there.  There must be an honest conversation. There will likely be some trust that needs to be repaired. The athlete will still have to meet the same expectations as everyone else. But if we claim that our programs are built to help young people grow, we must leave room for them to grow. We must leave room for them to recognize their mistakes and learn from them.  We should never find ways to be unforgiving.  

Some young people will also be disrespectful. They may challenge our authority, raise their voice, shut down, lash out, or direct their frustration toward the very people trying to help them. That behavior cannot be ignored, but we should also remember that we may not know why disrespect became their response.

Maybe they are embarrassed. Maybe they are afraid. Maybe they have never learned how to communicate frustration in a healthy way. Maybe they are carrying something from home, school, or life that we cannot see. Understanding that possibility does not excuse their behavior, but it should influence how we respond to it.

It is a coach’s job to be constructive with how we handle the situation and remember we can correct the behavior without condemning the person.  

If we want young people to learn forgiveness, we have to show them what forgiveness looks like. If we want them to develop empathy, we have to show them empathy when our patience is tested the most, when our patience is running on empty.  If we want young people to learn accountability we must teach them accountability in a way that is free of embarrassment and is constructive.  Our job is to build up, not to tear down. Our job is to forgive and move forward. 

There is a difference between telling a young person, “What you did was unacceptable,” and making them believe, “You are unacceptable.” One addresses the behavior and creates an expectation for change. The other turns a mistake into an identity, and that is not fair. A young person is not their mistakes, and no young person should be defined by them. 

Consequences need to have a purpose. They should protect the team, reinforce the standard, and help the athlete understand the impact of their choices. Once the consequence has been served, our responsibility shifts from correction to restoration. We must help the athlete find their way back into the team, rebuild trust, and prove through their actions that they have grown.

Forgiveness does not always restore trust immediately. Forgiveness can be given; trust must often be earned back. An athlete may need time and consistent actions before returning to the same role or responsibility. But even during that process, the coach should make it clear that there is a way forward.

Young people need adults who will hold the line without shutting the door on them. 

They need to know that quitting does not have to be permanent, disrespect does not have to define them, and a bad decision does not have to become the rest of their story. They need coaches who are strong enough to enforce standards and secure enough to forgive.

Our athletes may not remember every technique we taught, every workout we wrote, or every match we helped them win. But they will remember whether we gave up on them when they struggled. They will remember whether we used their worst moment against them or helped them grow beyond it.

When people look at a coach, they don’t see the forgiveness part of the job title, but it is in there, it’s the silent part along with countless other duties the role of coach encompasses. In my 13 years of coaching, I have had athletes skip practice, lie to my face about doctors appointments, fake an illness to go to a party, break an iPad, be moody and disrespectful to levels that make even their teammates mad, I could go on and on but I forgive, because it is a coach’s job.  It is a coach’s duty. We forgive, we let go and we help build those we serve. 

Sometimes forgiveness has to be the very next day. Sometimes it’s a bad practice and the whole team needs to be forgiven.  

A coach’s job is to correct, forgive, and build back up. Hold athletes accountable, but never stop seeing who they can become. Keep the standard high, and keep the door open. 

That is how we teach forgiveness. That is how we model empathy. That is how we raise the floor so our athletes can get closer to their ceiling.